Every year, as the days get shorter, I feel the urge to withdraw. This force compelling me to hunker down in my studio and create. This also happens after I've had my dragon raised out of my control (if you're lucky, Ill tell that story soon). It's a response by the machine in me to reassert itself – shut down emotions, temper your pasions and shrink into self. Let the purely logical guide you for a time. Feel only what you must.
This state has upsides. My creativity surges, I get a lot of work done and I feel accomplished for a time. Unfortunately, it also comes with signficant down.
I sink away from those I care about and who care about me. I hide in my hole. I am distant and unreachable. I feel a million miles away even when I am right there.
I am quick to anger because everything feels like a distraction from internal work that needs to be done. I snap. I bark. I bicker.
I feel overwhelmed by the urge to stay on the path of least resistance. Stay home. Don't go out. Break dates. Avoid social interaction. Listen to the machine.
I've been searching for the solution to this my whole life. None has presented itself.
This morning, I feel it. I feel it deep. That urge to hide. To withdraw. To sink. To fall into the temporary madness of winter and hope for spring. It's like a temporary death, you know. A dark and warm place.
I am writing this because I need help. I need understanding. I need to be open about it in order to confront it and change it. I need people to draw me out and not let me sink…to not let me hide.
I will fight you. I will. 42 years is a long time to live with something. You get to know it and embrace it, and even to think it's 'just how you are'. I can't accept that anymore. I can't do this again.
I'm going to need some help with this. I don't want to sound whiney or needy or anything. I just want to get this out so people understand.
It’s been a long time since I did a broadcast..almost 2 years, actually. In that time, I sank into a deep and angry depression which I am only now really digging myself out of. It cost me a lot, but I think I’m moving forward in the right direction now.
I don’t want to dwell on that here and now. Right now, I want to focus on the music.
Change is everywhere these days.
Moving furniture..moving house. Changing out the old with the new. Alternating feelings of pressure, pain, freedom and release.
I hate being vague, but right now, it’s my cover.
I have a headache today. The kind of headache that used to be reserved for the morning after long nights out, but now they just happen. I think I may have looked at a bottle for too long last night. That’s enough.
Music and inspiration have been difficult to come by. Beyond not having much time, I also just plain haven’t had much spirit for it. I haven’t had time to *listen* to music, which in turn drains the well of creation. Its difficult going through such dry times, but I know somehow that this is only temporary. The muse will return.
My life cycles on the 11s it seems. My career started at 21, my marriage at 31 and this..new stage at 41 (If anything changed at 1 and 11 I am hard pressed to say what it was). Some things have me very excited to be alive while others have me dreading every morning I have to wake. I see the future and am envious of my son and the wonders he will see. Then I watch the news and I am fearful of the horrors.
I wish I actually knew how to write a blog post. I wish I knew how to organize my thoughts in effective sentences and paragraphs instead of this persistent stream of consicousness gibberish. I wish I had the time.
I wish I had a topic.
I need more coffee.
So where have I been? I promise a blog a day and then I disappear. Typical…
Well, I've been pretty sick, actually. I had a wonderful experience with an immediate care doctor who was certain I had something that could kill you and sent me to the ER. It all went down hill from there to eventually be found days later to be a 'non-specific viral infection' (so they don't even have a clue what it was). In any case, its over.
Its odd to say it, but I think I really *needed* that illness. I get the feeling that a big part of why I got sick was because I have been pushing myself too far. Too much work, family and general life stress mixed with definitely not enough sleep and heathy physical activity is sooner or later going to bring on a crash in someone who isn't 25 anymore (not by a long shot). I was doing too much and giving too much of myself without stopping to think about how much I had left in the tank. Last week was the crash.
So now it's a new week, and the most important part of any experience is what we learn from it. Ive taken a few lessons:
- I have to limit myself and take more time for activities that rejuvinate and replenish me.
- I have to better focus on who and what I give my time to. My priorities need some shifting
- I need to take care better care of my health and get more sleep in general. I just have to.
It's easy to state these things but not always so easy to follow through with them. Feeling like I have no choice in the matter helps….If I don't, next time I may not get well as quickly. I'm also sure I can count on some others to help hold me accountable to my statements.
Returning to the land of the living after what was an awful illness. Hopefully a blog tomorrow.
The problem, it seems…is screens.
Screens are everywhere…on my synth, on my desk at work, on my DAW, on my phone….I am sick of screens. I’ve spent my life staring at them and I don’t want to stare at them anymore.
This presents a problem – How does one create music in the modern era without being absolutely bombarded by gigantic screens full of more information than I want? How does one make music without mouse within a 50ft radias?
I hate screens. Screens are evil. They get in my way and make my music harder to make. I want the screens to be gone.
How do I get rid of them?